Cruising Toward Toddlerhood February 3, 2010

  The Little One is eight months old. Eight months. And she’s really not interested in being a baby. From the beginning we noticed that she was a mover, and now I would barely be surprised if she were walking in the next four to six weeks.

Recent milestones include:

• getting her first tooth a couple weeks ago.
• beginning to say Mama around the same time, followed by Dada last week.
• standing at everything for the last month and a half or so, and just starting to walk along furniture and stand on her own.
• climbing the stairs (with me close behind). And she’s fast.

(Not too exciting for most of you, I’m sure, but I need someplace to record all this mommy stuff)!

Bridget loves her brother. LOVES. And she’s pretty crazy about Daddy too, though of course sometimes, only mama will do. Some of her other favorite things include jumping on the bed (with my assistance) with Jonas, pulling laundry out of the basket (especially Jonas’ underwear) and paper. She loves the crinkling sound and she loves to try to eat it.

The first two words that come to my mind to describe her at eight months are determined and joyful.

Bad Guys January 25, 2010

I was helping Jonas put fresh sheets on his bed tonight. There is a particular order that he likes his pillows.

And I commented, “yes, I know you like to sleep on the blue and green Thomas (the Tank Engine) pillow.”

He replied, “yes, and it has to go right there, (closer to the wall, farther from the door), so I’m farther away if any bad guys come.”

(Oh, my heart).

“Is that something you worry about?” I ask.

“Yeah,” he says, wrinkling his nose and looking down.

I hug him hard. “You don’t need to worry about that.” I explain that we have locks on our doors, and we live in a safe neighborhood where bad guys don’t go, and we have guns to protect ourselves just in case a bad guy would ever want to get in.

But all the while I’m assuring him, I wonder if I’m saying the right things. Does he feel safe? Does he trust what I’m saying? Will this put an end to those thoughts? And I just imagine him, at times when this goes through his mind, probably alone, and worried, and maybe a little scared, and I don’t even realize that he’s dealing with these big feelings. I hug him closer, wanting him to know how much I love him. And I want to tell him to come back to our room, where he slept until nine months ago, but I refrain.

All I want to do is keep him safe and protected, and I know that truly, I can’t even promise that, though it is what I want more than anything. And so, I feel a little guilty telling him that no bad guys will get in, yet what else can I say?

I don’t like feeling that helplessness, and it makes me want to pull my wings more firmly around him, but what more can I do, really? The world is not a safe place, and I will not always be able to protect him as I’d like.

I am so grateful to know, to the core of my being, that God is sovereign. That’s not a cop out, just the truth. I don’t know what will happen to my children in this life, and it scares me to consider the possibilities, but it is a comfort to know that we have a Heavenly Father who loves us and has a plan for our lives. As a mother, that is what I must hold onto and teach my children.

Living In Bits and Pieces January 23, 2010

The notion of the life of a stay at home mom being one of bits and pieces has been on my mind in recent months. Sometimes at the end of the day, I feel frustrated by the fact that little appears to have been done. Sometimes, I feel frustrated that I am so needed. Frustrated that I am rarely able to accomplish a task uninterrupted.  Five minutes here. Ten minutes there. Maybe a half hour if I get lucky. And in between: trying to meet the needs of my children. And sometimes trying not to feel resentful toward them for taking me away from all that needs to be done around here. Yes, I know, my most important job is raising these two children who need me more than I would sometimes like them to. Everything else is of secondary importance. Yet, in the moment, sometimes all I feel is the frustration, and I let it get the better of me, and I let it skew my vision for what I want my family to be and what is truly important.

For those of you who don’t know, I have a huge issue with guilt. Yes, it’s practically a way of life for me. I can make myself feel guilty for just about anything. And while I can spend a lot of time blaming this or that for my guilt-complex, the fact of the matter is, the ‘why’ doesn’t really matter. I just need to learn to live guilt free.

So, I feel guilty if the house is a mess, or I feel guilty because I become impatient with my kids for keeping me from cleaning. I feel guilty for crafting when there are other things that should be done. I feel guilty because I cannot do it all. And I say to Ben – I have said it to him for years – “I just need to get organized.” But life continues on at it’s quick pace, and another week of undirected living is done with. So much time wasted.

As this idea of bits and pieces has been nudging at me here and there, I realize that though I usually consider myself a rather adaptable person, I have not adapted my life to the challenge of full time homemaker and mother. I throw my hands up and cry that I just can’t do it well, when the truth is, I could do it a whole lot better if I was willing to bend to the reality of my life and embrace the bits and pieces instead of bemoaning them.

I have decided I am done fighting them. I have decided that I can do this better. I am no longer going to look at the whole of my house and say, “I have so much to do, and I need to do it all now.” From now on, my work is done in bits and pieces, and little by little, it will get done.

I’m just about as organizationally challenged as I am guilt ridden. So, this last week was spent trying to develop a routine that will work for us. I have to say “thank you” to Lisa, as her new schedule really pushed me to get out of the mulling-it-over-phase and begin actively embracing order. So, I have a general schedule jotted down, and we’re adapting it day by day as we figure out what works and what doesn’t.

It is really quite freeing because Jonas and I know that both of our needs will be met, and we don’t have to feel selfish with our time. There is time for me to play with him without thinking about my to do list, and I know that there is time for chores – even if sometimes they come in fifteen minute chunks of time. He knows that he will be given my full attention at various times throughout the day, and he knows that there are times that I (or both of us) will be doing work. It sounds simple – and I suppose it is – but it is making a huge difference in how we perceive and embrace the day.

I am too much of an all or nothing person. If I can’t work until it’s done, sometimes I don’t want to start, but I am going to work on changing that. I am not going to allow that to paralyze me. I am ready to stop feeling guilty and start doing what I can, whatever that means for that day.

A Party of Pollywogs December 18, 2009

I started with two and ended up with ten. It was just so easy to keep cutting and cutting, and it was the perfect project for using up scraps that I can’t bear to throw away. So, a few will end up under our tree, and the rest will be off to some special friends. The pattern for the bean bag frogs can be found here. They’re really simple and fun to do with kids.

 

 

 

I’ve been doing a lot of crafting around here lately. Hopefully all (or at least most) of the gifts still in progress will be done in time to get them under the tree.

Happy Birthday, Ben! December 11, 2009

The birthday boy has the day off, so we started the morning with some made from scratch cinnamon rolls and presents.

Dad received a picture of the kids for his desk at work, and a newly knitted winter hat.

(Apparently three year olds are not the best secret keepers, as Dad heard about his hat the day after I cast on. Who’d have thought. He was surprised by the portrait, at least).

This afternoon we’re headed down to Kenosha, so the kids can hang out with my parents while Ben and I go out to a little pub on the lake that we used to eat at when we were dating. I like that he likes to do nostalgic stuff like that.

 

Waiting for that oven timer to beep:

 

Happy Birthday to you:

 

Gooey goodness:

 

Presents:

 

(Hat pattern available here).

 

Sappy, Nationalistic Tripe December 4, 2009

How’s that for a title?

Yesterday, I saw a portrait of a woman dressed in uniform, holding her two year old son in her lap, and smiling gently off into the side lighting. The caption read, “ I may have to give my life for my country, but you will always hold my heart.”

Are you kidding me?

Now, most of you know that I am adamantly opposed to our country’s current wars, but that aside, I think I still would have been hit with the same revulsion. Call me old fashioned, but when a woman has children, she does not have the right to travel far away from them and put herself in perilous situations. Her duty is to those children, not to the State. Would any woman honestly believe that her kids would be okay with her being gone for months or years at a time, and maybe not coming home at all, instead of fulfilling her obligation to nurture and teach them?

War is a destroyer of families. I don’t understand why any mother (or father with young children) would put themselves in such a position.

Gentle Reminders Of God’s Love and Faithfulness December 1, 2009

I have long felt that my mission in life is to be a mother. I was never really interested in having a career; in college I followed my interests, but I never new what I wanted to do with that education. I felt destined to be a mother. That’s what my heart really longed for.

When Ben and I began the journey toward parenthood, it wasn’t easy. The first three pregnancies ended in miscarriage, and I wondered if I would ever have the opportunity to carry a pregnancy to term and give birth to our children. I felt a little desperate because that is what I felt God had given me a passion for. I vividly remember thinking that if I could just know what was ahead, if I could have a glimpse, I could feel better about our losses. If I knew I would have to endure ten miscarriages before having a healthy pregnancy, I felt I could face that pain, knowing it would end with a baby in my arms. But the uncertainty, the wondering if it was all in vain – that was hard. And I knew that God is good, and I knew there was a purpose to the pain. I  also knew that he put that passion inside of me. I did not believe that he would leave that unfulfilled, but I didn’t know how he would choose to fulfill it. What if this was not his plan for us? To be honest, I didn’t know if I could be okay with that.

God is so faithful and so generous. It was in those years that I really began to learn what it means to trust him and to wholeheartedly believe that his plan, his timing, is far superior to my own. He has blessed me so greatly. I am so undeserving, yet he takes pleasure in pouring out such beautiful gifts in my life. It is easy in hindsight to see God’s hand, and now I know that I really needed those times in order to understand more about his character and his love for me – for it to become personal. I have struggled all my life believing that God’s grace is for me, that he truly loves me, though I always believed it without question for others. Because of what I have seen him do thus far, I am confident in his trustworthiness and his working in my life and the life of my family. I don’t have to be anxious (though sometimes I am) because he is a good God who, for some inexplicable reason, loves me.

I have had a great reminder of these truths in recent months, as once again I have been filled with doubt over the direction of our family, and once again God, through our family trials and his guiding hand, has gently reminded me not to fear. The summer and fall were a bit rough for Jonas and therefore, for me. As Jonas turned three, we were met with some challenging behavior. I tried to take it in stride, remembering that we had recently moved and he had a new baby sister. Those are huge things for little kids. He needed to learn how to fit into the changes in our family, and I was sure that it was normal for him to act out his anxious feelings. His behavior was unacceptable, but at least it made sense in context. As time went on, I didn’t feel that anything we did made any improvement. I grew frustrated, discouraged, and sometimes angry. Conversations with my mom made me fearful, as she was very adamant that he was acting this way because of something we were not doing, and if I didn’t fix the behavior problems with a firmer (i.e. more punitive) hand, he would be completely out of control down the road.

As I was mothering a new baby and trying to work through this rough period with my toddler, I felt I was completely losing my focus. I started ignoring some of my parental instincts in hopes of getting my toddler “under control,” I was forgetting what I knew about child development and what I knew about my particular child, and, worst of all, I was trying to fix it myself. I felt like our home was turning into a battleground, and I felt bad about how I was dealing with the situation. My own resources were failing me. And I grew anxious. This thing that I so longed for, that I wanted more than anything – motherhood – I felt like I was failing. I felt I wasn’t cut out for it. I began worrying that I was going to ruin my children. What was God thinking giving me these precious kids?

I am often amazed at how slow to learn I am. It took me this long to truly, with every fiber of my being, get on my knees over my children. That desperate seeking, when all else fails. Why is it not the first place I go? I need these constant reminders to drive me there – these realizations that I can’t do this on my own – a denouncement of my independent streak. And without fail I am given the sweet reminder that he is in control and that he is faithful. I do not need to fear. I do not need to be anxious. He has proven himself to me over and over, and yet I am so slow to trust, so slow to go to him, so slow to believe that everything really will be okay. I try to do it on my own. I can’t.

In recent weeks, he has provided me with words of wisdom and encouragement from people in my life, he has rekindled my joy in my family, he has helped me to see things more clearly, and he has been working changes in both my and Jonas’ hearts. Things have been a lot more peaceful at our house lately, though I recognize that could all change tomorrow. We are certainly guaranteed a host of parenting challenges in the coming months and years. But what I know, and what I do not want to forget, is that God is for me and for my family, and he is faithful to his covenant people. He hears my prayers, my fears and uncertainties. He hears, and he lovingly responds. He loves my children far more than I ever could, and I believe that he is working in their hearts. I am merely his (very imperfect) instrument, and the fact that he has entrusted them to me, sinful and incompetent as I am, is humbling and proof to me of his great, great love and his awesome power.

All this is not to say that all of a sudden we have a perfectly angelic three year old. Of course not. But I feel like our family is right again, and I feel renewed in my work to mother my children. What a gift I feel God has given me these last few weeks. By calming the storm in our home, he has clearly shown me, he is in control, and I do not need to fear over my children. These little parenting trials seem so momentous and daunting when you are in the midst of them, and you can’t see what is ahead, and you want nothing more than for your child’s heart to be soft and open to God’s teachings. But just like before, I am learning that I can trust him in all things and that he is working even when we can’t see his hand in the moment. Little by little, I am learning to give up my control – so hard, despite the fact that it’s an illusion to begin with. The last half a year is a reminder to me that I should be praying earnestly over my children in all circumstances, not just when things are rough. It has been a purposeful time that has drawn me closer to him, which is the whole point of this life, anyway. No doubt there will be larger parenting trials in the future, but I’m thankful that he’s getting me there with baby steps.

6 Months and Crawling November 29, 2009

Bridget turned 6 months on Thanksgiving day. She finally figured out how to crawl forward a couple weeks ago. She’s not cruising, but when she sees something she wants, she certainly moves with determination. She’s been sitting up for a little over a week too, but she usually topples over after a few minutes.

She is a sweet girl with such a happy disposition. She usually likes to stay close to Ben or I, but as long as she’s feeling safe, she flashes lots of smiles and laughs lots. She just seems delighted with life.

Have I mentioned that she loves to suck on tags?

Sunny, Happy Longies October 30, 2009

I did it. One more pair of longies for October! Next in the queue: a hat for me.

 

 

She’s Five Months Old Today! October 27, 2009

….And she’s scooting all over the place – but only in reverse. So, when she manages to get herself under the furniture, she’s stuck, though that doesn’t seem to bother her.

 

 

 

And here’s one of big brother doing one of his favorite activities. He loves to draw and color. I believe that is Lightning McQueen he’s working on there.