This is my third, or perhaps my fourth, attempt at keeping a blog over the last few years. They always peter out and are forgotten. I did pretty well with my last, “Life with Jonas,” for a half year or so, but now it hasn’t been written in since winter.
This is my fresh start.
The last one.
I’m prompted to write lately. I need clarity. I need to embrace the good things in life. I need to remember what is important and what is not. I need to appreciate beauty and remember my dreams.
Life goes by. It goes quickly. Day to day living can be so busy and so mundane. Often at the end of the day, I feel like so much was wasted. But I know it doesn’t have to be that way. I choose how to live my life, and in many ways, I haven’t been choosing the best.
I’ve been longing for so much more recently. I’ve felt it on and off for quite a while: a dull disatisfaction. It’s grown into something I can’t ignore. It’s not disatisfaction with the foundation of my life: my family and church. I am so blessed. I couldn’t ask for a better husband or child. I haven’t, however, demanded the best from myself. I can be lazy, and I feel that in my relationships. Yes, Jonas has been a very high needs baby, and sometimes I’m still sleep deprived, but it’s time to start reaching for more for myself and my family. Life is too short and too precious to keep wasting it, to keep telling myself “soon…”
I feel dull, desensitized, out of touch with myself and my desires, distant from my husband, and some days, I feel like I’m just trying to manage my child rather than fully embracing this precious time of life with him. I am determined to rid my life of these negatives and create the best life possible for us.
I have forgotten beauty. I don’t know how or when it happened, but it did, and I suspect that is a large source of my dissatisfaction. When I surround myself with beauty, small delights, it affects every part of life; I really feel this. It makes me feel more alive, more real. I’m not speaking of lavish, expensive possessions, just things that matter, things that encourage me to delight in life and appreciate everything more fully.
Our current house doesn’t look like my home. I don’t like it. There are very few pictures out, and there is very little in the way of decor. It doesn’t feel warm, it doesn’t feel like me. It’s just a place to live. I realize that this is largely because this is a temporary place, and the year and a half since moving here has been hectic; I operated in survival mode for much of Jonas’ first year. We look forward to the day we can purchase our own home. My hope is for that place to be a warm, inviting, beautiful place that we love to be and that makes us feel good. That is so important to me. I haven’t even allowed myself to dream about that house, really. I’ve had vague feelings about it, but I just don’t dream about the future anymore, and while I believe living in the present is so essential, I find my lack of dreaming sad.
So, in the meantime, living in this less than ideal place, something needs to be done. It’s a mess, and as I said, it’s in desperate need of a personal touch. The fact is, this hurriedly chosen duplex has a lot of problems and annoyances, and perhaps one of the main reasons I haven’t decorated is that I haven’t wanted to get to comfy here. I don’t know. Of course we are saving for a house, so we don’t buy things for this place. I do need to find some little ways to brighten it up though. Make some curtains for the kitchen window maybe. Find some nice, but inexpensive, coordinating photo frames to hang. And above all, find a way to bring (and keep) some order to this place; much of it is a dirty mess right now.
There are many good things in my life already. I guess I’m just purging the negatives here. I look forward to more and more good.