I have my first appointment with Michelle, my acupuncturist, on Wednesday. Feeling a bit apprehensive – not about treatment itself, I always enjoyed that – just about future pregnancies in general.
I’ve conceived five times, and obviously I’ve only been able to carry Jonas to term. My pregnancy with him is the only time I received treatment from Michelle. So, it seems that the treatment worked for me, but of course, we can’t know for sure at this point, having had only one success. I like to think that TCM is what allowed me to have a successful pregnancy, and TCM does have a good track record treating infertility issues, but it could be that Jonas was just a healthy one, and he would have made it regardless.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I feel like this is a moment of truth. Next time I get pregnant, if I miscarry again despite treatment, it’s going to make it that much harder to keep going. Right now, I have hope that the acupuncture and herbs will protect the next pregnancy, but if that doesn’t turn out to be the case, how do we keep on going?
I truly believe that God will give us more children, but I’m not sure how much more we’ll have to endure before getting there. It’s been a hard journey, yet I see the ways the Lord has worked in our lives through our losses. Strange as it may sound, I wouldn’t trade this experience, despite the pain. And if there is more loss in store, I guess I can accept that if it means God working in our lives, refining our character and revealing himself in deeper ways. I don’t want to lose anymore babies; the breath catches in my throat at the thought, but what can we do, short of closing ourselves off from the possibility of more children. That would be a lack of faith and trust, and I don’t think I am willing to do that.
On a more positive note, if the next pregnancy is a success, that will give us all the more reason to have hope for future pregnancies with treatment.
I’m just trying not to think too much about it all right now.