During my pregnancy, I acknowledged that the addition of a new baby would mean big changes for Jonas. I realized that there would be a period of adjustment where he was likely to act out a bit as he got used to our new normal, and I was ready for that. I was totally unprepared however, for how I would feel about the shift in our relationship that would occur.
Today, I was overcome by emotions over the loss of a special period in my relationship with Jonas. I had sensed it since Bridget’s birth, but it had not been put into words until now. Never again will it be just me and him. This little person with whom I’ve spent every day of the last three years will never again have my full attention. This boy has made my heart so full and taught me so much about myself and life. I feel like I never fully appreciated the special bond we’ve shared until I realized that it is altered forever. That bond is not severed, of course; it’s not damaged. I will still continue to love him more deeply each day, just as I had before Bridget’s birth. It’s just different now, and I am feeling that so acutely today, though I’m having trouble expressing it in words.
My feelings of loss are in no way a reflection of my feelings toward Bridget. I adore her, and I can’t imagine my life without her. It’s not that I feel that she has intruded on my relationship with Jonas. It’s just an inevitable stage in the growth of our family, I suppose.
My feelings of loss have nothing to do with fearing that Jonas is not receiving enough care and attention. Ben is still home for another week, and they’ve spent a lot of time palling around together, and I have tried to maintain some of our one on one routines, especially reading stories and cuddling before bedtime. While he has been acting out occasionally, overall he is doing really well with this major life change. I have no concerns over his relationship with Bridget. He’s been amazing with her. She receives countless Jonas kisses. He strokes her head and talks about what she’s doing. He always shows concern when she cries, and he’s eager to help at every diaper change. Perhaps, though, I do worry a bit about how he perceives our relationship now. Does he think I love him less? Does he worry that I won’t be there to love and take care of him like I did before? I find that I often don’t give him enough credit, and I hope that he does feel as secure now as he did two weeks ago.
There is certainly enough love in this house to go around, and I know that we will find our new way of being a family. I am so grateful for the way God has blessed us with these children, and I look forward to watching how we grow together. Though things will never be the same, they will be new and different in the best possible way. I know these two will fill my heart in an amazing way, in a way that surpasses the joy that I’ve already known. I know these things. Sometimes it’s just hard to let go.