I was helping Jonas put fresh sheets on his bed tonight. There is a particular order that he likes his pillows.
And I commented, “yes, I know you like to sleep on the blue and green Thomas (the Tank Engine) pillow.”
He replied, “yes, and it has to go right there, (closer to the wall, farther from the door), so I’m farther away if any bad guys come.”
(Oh, my heart).
“Is that something you worry about?” I ask.
“Yeah,” he says, wrinkling his nose and looking down.
I hug him hard. “You don’t need to worry about that.” I explain that we have locks on our doors, and we live in a safe neighborhood where bad guys don’t go, and we have guns to protect ourselves just in case a bad guy would ever want to get in.
But all the while I’m assuring him, I wonder if I’m saying the right things. Does he feel safe? Does he trust what I’m saying? Will this put an end to those thoughts? And I just imagine him, at times when this goes through his mind, probably alone, and worried, and maybe a little scared, and I don’t even realize that he’s dealing with these big feelings. I hug him closer, wanting him to know how much I love him. And I want to tell him to come back to our room, where he slept until nine months ago, but I refrain.
All I want to do is keep him safe and protected, and I know that truly, I can’t even promise that, though it is what I want more than anything. And so, I feel a little guilty telling him that no bad guys will get in, yet what else can I say?
I don’t like feeling that helplessness, and it makes me want to pull my wings more firmly around him, but what more can I do, really? The world is not a safe place, and I will not always be able to protect him as I’d like.
I am so grateful to know, to the core of my being, that God is sovereign. That’s not a cop out, just the truth. I don’t know what will happen to my children in this life, and it scares me to consider the possibilities, but it is a comfort to know that we have a Heavenly Father who loves us and has a plan for our lives. As a mother, that is what I must hold onto and teach my children.